Archive for avoidance

ROOM 115

Posted in writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2011 by kimmy

Stop pounding on the wall, damn it!  I’ll get out of here when I’m good and ready.  Besides, I paid for this room and I’ll do what I want in it.

Jesus, you never get privacy anywhere, do you?  I wouldn’t have had to move into this hole if I found it at home, now would I?  Yeah, well, what’s waiting there, except more questions and faces hounding me. I can’t get anything done while they’re staring and asking stupid things.  Why can’t everyone just leave me alone?

And that goes double for you, whoever you are behind that wall!  If I hear you banging one more time, I’ll punch through myself and teach you a lesson.  Can’t you see that genius is at work?  Morons.  They wouldn’t know art if it slapped them in the face. 

Doesn’t matter.  I’ll just stay here with my friends and we’ll convene with the gods until I fall asleep with the needle in my arm and when I wake up, everything will be changed and I won’t have to explain where I’ve been and who I’ve been with.  And I’ll float on a white cloud of euphoria that will take me to places I’ve only dreamt about and my arrival will signal a new dimension of expression which will be hailed as revolutionary and daring and all the kids will want to emulate me and download my stuff and I’ll become as famous and wealthy as I’ve imagined.  Only it’s real and not just a notion that lies untapped at the bottom of my potential.

Because I’m not just latent talent waiting undiscovered and unappreciated.  When I speak, the angels weep and beg me to continue.  And why should I stop?  I have every right to stand up and say what I feel, even though most of it I buried a long time ago.  I got my pride, you know.  And people depend on me, and I can’t let them down…

What are you talking about?  I’m not running away, I’m running toward.  Running toward that thing which gives me reason to live.  That perfect tone, that unmatched harmonic which only I can hear and bring to the toneless.  This isn’t escapism, you hayseed, this is ART!  And it’s the only reason I exist, to act as channel and funnel its brilliance into crude medium where even the blind can see.  So, don’t bother me with your mundane requests and hysterical demands, because I know what I’m doing.  I can control myself.  The only intervention I require is that of public laud.

And they will come.  Droves and droves of adoring people, throwing their money and themselves at my feet, calling out my name in the collective voice of thousands and I’ll know that I’ve achieved what I’ve planned in this dreary little room.  I’ll be vindicated at last and set upon Mount Olympus while the rest of you scratch your heads.

So, stop nagging and get out! And take all the rest of your small-mindedness with you.  I’m being called to a higher purpose and will commune using whatever vehicle I find and won’t be hampered by the needs of the body.  It’s nothing compared to the glories which I see in my head.