Archive for acceptance of self

JUMPING OUT OF MY SKIN

Posted in rants, social commentary, writing with tags , , , , , on December 6, 2009 by kimmy

If one more person counsels patience, I’m going to scream.  I don’t need to hear another patronizing remark about how these events are strengthening me; I want results!

I’ve had it with being stretched to the limit and expected to smile through the pain.  This is absolutely ridiculous.  What is it about the piggyback habits of others?  Are they so special that their feet cannot touch the ground?

More importantly, how did they get there?  Have I been so brainwashed that I yield without question and add my voice to their complaints?   It seems this world is occupied with nothing but wounded souls either demanding attention that they are incapable of giving, or lavishing attention that they are incapable of getting.

I am tired of melodrama.  I have no desire to ride this emotional rollercoaster.  I fully understand that addiction to the thrillride is appealing to many, but I’m not one of them.  I find no fulfillment in death-defying loops that switchback on themselves.  Why go around and around and get no where?

Nor do I want to feel dizzy.  The novelty of being off-balance has long since worn off.  It might have served a useful purpose when inertia was slowly suffocating me, but the logjam was broken a while ago.  Is it really necessary to keep living in a blender set to frappé?

It’s said that in order to operate from a sturdy foundation, the entire structure sometimes has to be razed and rebuilt.    If that’s true then it might be the lack of my own internal scaffolding that truly is the bother.  Operating without form creates a greater dependency on the good will of others… the very same people incapable of reliance.  Little wonder that I’m so short-tempered.

I am in essence a kite without tether.  Is it possible to exist, happily exist, with neither internal compass nor asking for directions?  Maybe it’s the meandering that is the sole point of this exercise.  If I can conjure a little empathy for the wailing of others -or at least learn to tolerate them-  perhaps I’ll even develop a little for myself.

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MAKING AMENDS

Posted in musings, personal, writing with tags , , , , , , on February 5, 2009 by kimmy

So, now that you know you’ve sacrificed hundred of things on the altar of fear, what are you going to do about it?   Think of all those things -people, tasks, relationships, obligations, duties, pleasures- all deferred just to keep the peace, a peace which in the end was never found.   Are you going to cower and blame someone else, again, for your choices, or will you step up and own them? 

The consequences of your actions lay bare; you can’t ignore them anymore.   They may have been committed in moments of weakness and doubt, but they’re still yours.  You can tackle it now or wait until later when the interest and penalties are impossibly steep.

This might be a bad time to ask, but what the hell were you thinking?  Hiding behind another and pretending is no way to live.  Did you think the charade would last indefinitely?  This is not a Cinemascope production.  The characters will not ride off into the sunset.  They will sit in front of you, gradually growing older, until you decide to address them.

And what can you say except I’m sorry?  You don’t have any excuse.  Haven’t you been plugging away at your practice, chanting and contorting for realization?  Well, here it is, sister.  Better take a long hard look because it’s got your messy fingerprints all over it. 

Not so pretty after all, is it?  Maybe not, but it’s still yours.  Why don’t you just pick yourself up?  If you expect the onlookers to help, you’ll be lying on that floor forever;  everyone’s waiting for you to stand up and help them.