OWNING UP TO IT

What would I say if I saw you again?
Could I even bear to look upon my actions
Without pleading with Time
For a chance to alter what I set in motion
So many years ago.
That Time might relent and open its arms,
Permitting me to change the dial
To point in an unfamiliar direction,
A route driven by desire
And not fear of an unknown fate.
Would He be so generous
As to allow me to shuffle what has passed
And deal myself another hand,
One that won’t leave me bankrupt,
But rich with the fulfillment of a wish
That I once nurtured like a seedling
Yet somehow neglected to water.
Or would He deny me that chance
Knowing full well that to return to the past
Requires amnesia of future events
And loss of its hard-won wisdom.
For I cannot go back and alter my words;
I can only meet you here and now
And speak them as they have always been:
Unvarnished and raw
But finally freed from the ligature
Of self-imposed doubt.
For it wasn’t you that I feared so long ago,
Only myself
And the yawning expanse of emotion
That I could neither face nor name.

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