I know what it is.  That thing you’ve been trying so hard to conceal.  That image that keeps floating to the center of your mind no matter how diligently you push it away.  That secret you carry around in your heart that prompts you to lie to your friends and family.  That constant inner reminder that there is one person on Earth who knows what you did.

Oh, yeah.  That one. 

It’s a biggie, isn’t it?  After all this time, you still find yourself recalling every detail, etching them into your mind lest they be forgotten sacrifice on the altar of your folly.  And what a mistake it was.  Every hour, every day that passes by since then feels like an eternity.  But all you’ve got is time, time to think about what you’ve done and what you failed to do.

Of course you tried to bury yourself under a mound of artificially generated concern for those whom you felt were wronged.  That’s the easiest way to seem engaged.  As long as you feign interest in the mind-numbing prattle of the zombies around you, they won’t slash you open and devour your entrails.

Because that’s what you really expect, don’t you?  To be drawn and quartered and publically humiliated for the error of your ways?  You sin, you pay.  It’s as simple as that.  And then spend the rest of your life in a guilt-driven haze, cleared only occasionally when you indulge in… you guessed it… your last weakness.

And it saps you of strength, doesn’t it?  You’d rather lie in bed, clinging to those last moments of a dream when you were entwined rather than face the day and its inevitability.  But you force yourself up and paste on a smile, or what passes for one, and carefully misdirect your audience until you can lock the office door and tune out the noise.

For that’s what your life has become:  a blur of nonsensical noise.  A constant clamoring for your attention and the systematic rejection of your deepest needs.  So you defend by emotional detachment and drift away into a solitary world of your own creation.  You lead a completely separate life though surrounded by others.

Lonely, isn’t it?  But you’re resigned to your fate.  You tried to break free once, but you misjudged opinion and it stung you.   It’s always dangerous to expect sympathy from those incapable of it.  And even worse when your entire self-worth is entrusted to them.

So it’s back to the secret life in your head, the one place where you can play with impunity. 


6 Responses to “YOUR LAST WEAKNESS”

  1. Ok I’m interested. This reminds me of the song by Del Amitri “downfall tonight”. Any relation??

  2. Cold bloodedly honest, Kimmy. But brutally true for most. I pretend it doesn’t apply to me.

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