THE PERILS OF SUZANNE

When last I spoke to her, she was planning a ski trip with her new boyfriend, a 20 year-old college student that she had met at a store-front art gallery.  I wasn’t all that surprised when she called this morning at 2am, begging me to meet her at an all-night diner.

“If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have bothered,” she sobbed, burying her head in the crook of her arm.  She looked up suddenly with swollen red eyes.  “And if you tell anyone and I mean anyone you saw me like this, I’ll deny everything!”

 “So what happened?” I asked, partially guessing the truth.  If I knew Suzanne, it probably involved love gone wrong.

 “He left me for his wife.”

“He’s married?  I didn’t think he lived in Kentucky.”

“Not Josh, you idiot, his father.” 

“You got involved with the son AND the father?”  This was new holy ground, even for her.

“Not at the same time, Kimmy,” she whimpered.  “ Peter just sort of happened.”

 “Peter?  His name is Peter?  Why not Dick?” 

“If you only knew how he made me feel…”  She looked off into the distance, eyes suddenly unfocused.  “I felt alive for the first time in my life.” 

“You said that about his son, remember?” 

“No, no,” she said, eyes refocusing.  “He was just a kid, an amusement to fill my lonely days.”  She heaved a sigh and crumpled into the seat. “And now my loneliness has no bounds.”

I rolled my eyes.  As a businesswoman, she really missed her calling.  She would have been better off on the stage.  “Don’t you think you’re overdramatizing the matter, Suzanne?  He’ll be forgotten in a week.”

“You’ve never been supportive of me,” she snapped, drawing herself up. “I’m pouring out my heart and you dismiss me!”

“If that’s the case,” I said dryly,  “why am I sitting in Denny’s at 3 o’clock in the morning?  I could be at home, dreaming about George Clooney.” 

“I should have called one of my real friends,” she muttered.  “They’d understand my pain.” 

“You don’t have any other friends, Suzi. They all got tired of the late-night emergencies.”

“ … someone with real heart, who knows the wretchedness of my being….”

“If you don’t stop right now, you and your wretched self will be sitting alone.”

 She shifted back on topic without taking a breath.  “…he told me that he loved me… that he wanted to have kids with me…” 

“Kids?!  Are you kidding me?  You’re 52!” 

“I should’ve had my eggs harvested before I switched over to Cobra,” she said, wandering off again. “They don’t cover fertility treatments.” 

“Yeah, I can see you as a mom.”

“Oh, can you?” she asked breathlessly.

 “The first time the kid pukes on your Coach bag, you’ll be handing him off to a nanny like a football.”

She frowned.  “I planned on being a hands-on mom.  I’d never hire help.” 

“How could you?  You already have a stylist, personal trainer and chef on payroll.” 

“But, now… now, it’s over!” she wailed, “and he’s gone back to that cow.” 

“Perhaps it’s best,” I said. “No doubt the entire family will need counseling after you plowed your way through them.”

“She doesn’t even love him, Kimmy!  She sleeps on the sofa with the dog.”

“Maybe he snores?” 

“She smokes like a chimney and has an ass like a Mack truck,” she sneered, lighting up a Winston. “At least I go to the gym…”   

“But what about Josh, the snowboarder?”  I asked, digging for the real story.  “I don’t suppose he warmed to the idea of you banging his father.” 

“What?”  She seemed distracted. “Oh, him.  You’re right, I should blame that little twirp!  I wouldn’t have even looked at Peter if it hadn’t been Joshie’s doing.”

“He hooked you up?”  This really was sordid.

“No, he just had too many Jager shots that night and passed out.  I went downstairs and there he was… Peter all alone and desperate for company.”

“So while your teenage boyfriend was sleeping off the booze, you seduced his father?” 

“Seduce?  Kimmy, why do you have to cheapen everything?  It was love…” 

“Wait a minute, let me get a visual here… the kid’s asleep, you’re canoodling with his father and the wife, where was she?”

“In New York with their terrier.”  She sighed again.   “Everything was perfect:  the moon, the snow, the bearskin rug in front of the fire…” 

“…the alienation of affection…”

“Before I knew it, we were pledging undying love.” 

“Was that before or after his wife came back?” 

“It wasn’t like that,” she said indignantly.  “Well, not exactly like that …”   

“What was it like… exactly?” 

She squirmed a bit. “Well, Joshie must have seen us because he called his mother  and she had her fat ass on a red-eye within an hour.”  She frowned and stubbed out her cigarette.  “You just can’t trust young people nowadays…”

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2 Responses to “THE PERILS OF SUZANNE”

  1. michaeljones909 Says:

    Entertaining read,you really can string it together (big smile)…

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