I never thought it would be this hard.  It’s almost like divorce or death.

I probably should have paid more attention to the red flags.  Malaise, thinking about my late father, guilt, shame, moodiness.  Small bad habits that started to creep back into my life.  But yet, I didn’t.  Instead I put on a smile and soldiered on, thinking that it was only a minor setback and one from which I could easily recover.

I was wrong. 

I really haven’t fully recovered from it, and if I hadn’t had the good fortune to be the company of generous and loving friends, I wouldn’t have even known what it was.

Grief… plain and simple.  Not my favorite emotion and one I usually keep buried because of the pain.  I mean, who enjoys despair?  Besides, I didn’t believe that the situation warranted grief since it was only the death of a business, and not of a loved one.  Aren’t people the only thing worth mourning?

Apparently not.   Would it be wrong to wear black and cover the mirrors?  I don’t feel like celebrating new possibilities right now.  I just don’t feel that brave… yet.  Can’t I shed my tears and actually feel my feelings before they’re pushed aside?  It’s taken nearly five months to even recognize them.  I don’t want to repeat the emotional strangulation that followed the death of my father, when for three years I chose stoic self-punishment over sorrow.

No, I won’t fling myself onto the grave or carry on like Medea, but before I close the doors for good I will take the time to reflect on all that has occured, how I have changed in these last fifteen years, and acknowledge that all things have their time and place.  Maybe once I’ve laid down this burden, I can happily pick up another.


4 Responses to “CLOSING UP SHOP”

  1. Kimmy-
    While you may be moving on to your next challenge, having polished this jewel as bright as it can get, don’t forget about all the people you have helped along the way who are grateful that you had the courage to take a “path less travelled” and start your business in the first place. You aren’t the same person you were 15 years ago, you’re much, much better in many ways ! Whatever you choose to do, in whatever format , we who love you will be right here to give you whatever support you require to succeed. That’s the great thing about getting older….we all get to do it together ! Keep your chin up “ducky” !

  2. god, warm strength to you
    I’ve enjoyed yr work
    go good

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