If this is my lesson in impermanence, it’s a smackdown.  Virtually everything that I know or have is being yanked away.  To what purpose, I have no idea but I suspect it’s probably for my own good.  Life is funny like that.

I think on the strange turn of events in my life and recognize a pattern.  Maybe it wasn’t so clear years ago when I suffered disappointments, but now I see that they could have been a lot worse had nothing intervened.  That career choice engineered by my parents?  A trainwreck waiting to happen.  That boy I couldn’t live without?  A slacker.  Friends that suddenly slipped away?  All heading down paths that would have crushed me.  

Does it really matter that my life has become a foreign film of sorts?   Yes, it’s almost impossible to navigate, but I’m lucky in one respect:  I don’t have to take the helm.    I don’t have to panic when faced with upheaval because I’ll get through it just as surely as all the others.  I don’t have to know where I’m going as long as I remember that I’m going. 

If I was destined to stay in one spot and live an ordinary life, that’s exactly what would have happened.  Instead, I’m riding a different track; where it leads is anybody’s guess. 

When I was a kid, I wished for a crystal ball to foresee my future.  But had I been given the knowledge, would I have made the same decisions?  Maybe I rue a few of them, but even the painful ones helped shape the person I am today.  If I had skipped them, I’d be someone else… perhaps someone that I don’t like.

I am not perfect.  Well, maybe I AM perfect, but i am not.  The degree from which I act from that perfection varies wildly from day to day.  It’s a struggle to always stay within the present moment and not get caught up in emotion.  It’ll sweep me up when I’m not looking and before I know it, I’m out to sea, riding the waves and wondering how I got there.

But getting back to center is easier each day and it reminds me that this is becoming less an intellectual exercise than a living reality.  Why should I fret if the outer manifestations of my life no longer fit?  This is what years of practice will do.  I cannot hold onto to one life while praying for another.



  1. last line is perfectly stated. by george, i think she’s got it!

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