JUMPING OUT OF MY SKIN

If one more person counsels patience, I’m going to scream.  I don’t need to hear another patronizing remark about how these events are strengthening me; I want results!

I’ve had it with being stretched to the limit and expected to smile through the pain.  This is absolutely ridiculous.  What is it about the piggyback habits of others?  Are they so special that their feet cannot touch the ground?

More importantly, how did they get there?  Have I been so brainwashed that I yield without question and add my voice to their complaints?   It seems this world is occupied with nothing but wounded souls either demanding attention that they are incapable of giving, or lavishing attention that they are incapable of getting.

I am tired of melodrama.  I have no desire to ride this emotional rollercoaster.  I fully understand that addiction to the thrillride is appealing to many, but I’m not one of them.  I find no fulfillment in death-defying loops that switchback on themselves.  Why go around and around and get no where?

Nor do I want to feel dizzy.  The novelty of being off-balance has long since worn off.  It might have served a useful purpose when inertia was slowly suffocating me, but the logjam was broken a while ago.  Is it really necessary to keep living in a blender set to frappé?

It’s said that in order to operate from a sturdy foundation, the entire structure sometimes has to be razed and rebuilt.    If that’s true then it might be the lack of my own internal scaffolding that truly is the bother.  Operating without form creates a greater dependency on the good will of others… the very same people incapable of reliance.  Little wonder that I’m so short-tempered.

I am in essence a kite without tether.  Is it possible to exist, happily exist, with neither internal compass nor asking for directions?  Maybe it’s the meandering that is the sole point of this exercise.  If I can conjure a little empathy for the wailing of others -or at least learn to tolerate them-  perhaps I’ll even develop a little for myself.

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