Sometimes the best laid plans go awry. 

I should have known that avoidance wouldn’t work, but after some serious soulsearching, it was my only option.  Being the catalyst for radical change wasn’t the role I wished to play, so I decided to put as much distance as possible between he and I.  Maybe it only forestalled the inevitable, but I was determined that no one would suffer by my hand.

Least of all myself.  It had become a torment to be in his presence and yet not part of it. I hated being caged and forced to behave like a good moralist.  But the circumstances were beyond my control and there was no point pining for someone unattainable, so I turned away.  It didn’t matter that he sought to bind me to him by unconventional means; I could dismiss those ethereal ties and walk unfettered without him.

Or so I thought.  I tried to distract myself with friends and new acquaintance, but they only served as a reminder and that mystified me.   It was his story coming out of other mouths, his eyes gazing from other faces, his quirks demonstrated by other hands.  It was as if I was being shadowed by a thing I could neither acknowledge nor confront.

It only stiffened my resolve.  I persevered until I was nearly home free, interacting in the moment with as much raw honesty as I could muster.  I was only steps away from complete liberation when the portend of a dream brought everything to a halt.  A freight train derailed in a broadside collision with a speeding passenger train, the boxcars crashing in every direction and my sifting through the wreckage for survivors.  The only one I found was shellshocked and no longer recognized me.

I knew what it meant, but I didn’t want it to be so.  Was this my reward for acting in good faith?  It troubled me and I couldn’t go back to sleep.  He was beckoning in such a visceral way that I could no longer ignore the summons.  So I answered the call and wasn’t in the least surprised when all my carefully laid plans suddenly imploded that very afternoon.


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