Tell Mr. DeMille I’ll be right down.  I’m planning to exit this madhouse with my head held high and dressed to the nines.  Who cares if I’m living in a fantasy world and I’ve just left a trail of casualties in my wake!  All those lovely people in the dark are waiting for me.

Descending into the dark is exactly what it feels like.  There is no way of knowing what, if anything, is out there; not a comfortable sensation for a person who loves to design contingencies for every conceivable end.  But since I cannot predict the outcome of this crapshoot, taking a leap of faith is the only option.

Me and my bright ideas . . . .  now I have to trudge down a blackened staircase into a group of hostile strangers who can’t wait to pick me apart.  Do I hear knives being sharpened in the background?  Lucky me.   But since it’s too late to run, I’ll have to bear this dissection as well as all the others. 

Being stared at becomes second nature after a while. Despite my best efforts to pass as normal, I’ve never been able to pull it off successfully.  Why bother anymore?  It’s best to just own it, move on, and hope that I won’t be further obliged.   From now on, someone else gets the dubious honor of behaving like a mindless submissive.  I’m done.

Does that mean I’m a troublemaker?  Probably.  But then, I’ve never been terribly interested in performing for the amusement of others.


3 Responses to “I’M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP”

  1. i loved every word of it except the last sentence…were you never interested…or have you always fought the interest?

    what, but morbid interest in performance, got you working with mr. demille in the first place? 🙂

  2. Dancing for grandma is not as rewarding as you think, Nicky. Invariably the performance will be critiqued not for its content, but for failure to meet expectation. However, Cecil B. DeMille wasn’t derailed by his critics; he directed the most unapologetically maudlin films ever and had a marvelous time doing so. Who cares if they are sappy and unrealistic? It’s just one man’s vision. There is no absolute definition in art, film, free expression . . . or anything, for that matter. If the audience is looking for perfect reflection of their inner world, those narcissists should stay at home.

  3. i stand (sit) nodding in silent agreement.

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