HOOKERS, CORNDOGS AND IDIOTS

A friend of mine, a snarky Chicago transplant to south Florida, was summing up the social variety in the Sunshine State.   “I’m surrounded by hookers, corndogs and idiots,”  he said, with more resignation than I expected.  “That’s why I spend all my time on the road.”

That seemed rather harsh, so I had to challenge him.   Where was he living?   In a trailer park?  He shook his head and gave me a quick lesson in demographics.  Apparently, trash migrates everywhere, a lot like beach sand getting into everything.   “Imagine coming home to your gated community and finding hookers lined up on the sidewalk.”  I confessed that I couldn’t, only because they would be difficult to discern from the usual flotsam of my neighborhood.

“They were leaning on the hood of my car, asking me if I wanted a date.”   Would that be so bad?  I mean, a girl’s gotta make a living.  “You should see them,” he said, appalled by my question, “they look like carnival workers.”

“And that’s another blight,” he said, clearly on a rant.  “Everywhere you turn, corndog stands!”  I considered that for a moment.  Never having actually eaten one, I couldn’t imagine the appeal.  Surely they must be step up from deep fried Snickers.  “Oh please!  Greasy pork by-products on a stick!”  I agreed it sounded nauseating, but assured him that in the future I would bypass the corndog stand in favor of elephant ears.   

By then, he was muttering to himself.  “And if I see one more mullet, I’m gonna have to take him out!”   I tried to conceal my alarm.  If he was packing a firearm, he must have become more Floridian than he realized. 

Don’t you think that’s a little extreme?  “Hell, no!”  This was beginning to sound like a scene from Deliverance.  “I got me a gun a rack on my truck.”  Why was I not surprised?  I politely asked him if it was necessary to arm one’s self before a beer run to the Piggly Wiggly.  “I wouldn’t leave the house without my .38,” he said, a little irritated with my line of questioning.  “Someone might roll me in the parking lot.”

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2 Responses to “HOOKERS, CORNDOGS AND IDIOTS”

  1. And you think that looks bad? Come to Holland and I’ll show you something …..

  2. I’ve booked my flight to Amsterdam! 😛

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