Who knew that a brief romance would have such longlasting consequences?  Or that the flood of memories would rise up like a battalion and cut down all my defenses?  After all these years,  I still think about him.

He was everything I ever wanted in a man:  Funny, smart, ambitious, kindhearted and a gentleman.  That he happened to be sloe-eyed and sexy was only icing on the cake.  And I ate it up… slowly at first for I was wary, and later with a hunger that defied logic.  My intense desire for him, the intimacy and the thawing of my frigid heart all scared me.  It felt primordial, way beyond the reach of reason.  

I was overwhelmed by emotion, feelings that I had carefully kept buried and new ones that I didn’t know existed.  For the first time in my young life, I was not engineering circumstances to conform to my safety regulations.  I was out on a limb.

And it was a dangerous place to be.  He was only a few years older, but it might as well have been decades.  We were in such different places in our lives.  I was ready to be brave and take the leap, whereas he had just ended a long-term relationship and was in no hurry to start another. 

In my raw emotional state, I could read him as easily as a book.  It was this heightened sense that alerted me to trouble.  I realized that our timing was completely off and no amount of effort could change it.  There was no future for me.  I wrestled with the decision, but had to act pre-emptively and end the affair before I fell in love.  

But it was too late.  The pain tore me in half.  I couldn’t bear to live with the reminder of what I had lost, so I forced it back from where it had come.  It was reburied in a grave far, far away from my mind, shoved under the carpet along with the remains of my emotional self. 

And there it has lain dormant all these many years until now.   Events have forced me to confront the dusty items in the closet and reattach them.  One cannot live forever divided from one’s self.  But the pain has surfaced anew and it cuts deep.  Not only have the wounds from long ago started to bleed, but all the attendant scars have reopened.  I see the fabric of my life stretched out before me and it’s only now that I understand how hobbled I have been since that day.

I do not weep for the life that did not materialize; the decision I made years ago was a sound one.  What pains me is the cavalier way I disregarded my own feelings.   They were dismissed as unimportant, and now they cry out to be heard.  I owe them a great debt; I hope they don’t mind my tardy reply.



  1. seasofsilver Says:

    Very well written and you definitely hit a chord in my heart. As much as I want to move on and move past – at the end of every relationship, flirtation, sexual encounter – it is him I think of. How do we get through?

  2. "Sister" Sara Says:

    I commend your heroic undertaking of sifting through past experiences and the accompanying emotions in order to understand yourself better, more fully, and more deeply.
    How much easier it would have been to have left these feelings in utter neglect..or would it? Facing pains inflicted from our past is not for the faint of heart. One must be a brave soul and face the beasties head on. Because you dared to face your past and honestly awaited any answers they may have delivered to you can only add to your depth of being. I only wish more people would look within themselves for answers instead of passing the buck. Feelings are quite adept at masquerading themselves, sometimes making their roots imperceivable. Perhaps by successfully passing through this ordeal, you will be able to empower others to do the same.

  3. Nothing more I can add to that.

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